Forty-five Years and Counting

Roland and I were married 45 years ago yesterday. You might think we would get to know each other better as the years go by, but it isn’t true for us, or at least for me. Yes, I’ve learned some things about Roland, including how he likes his coffee, but the thing I’ve discovered most is how much I don’t know.

Gift-giving is a good example. The first year we were together, I did pretty well picking out a Christmas gift. Since then, there have been some occasions where I found the right gift, but those are rare. Roland does a better job overall, but he doesn’t always pick out the perfect gift for me, either.

Part of it is that we both have a tendency to buy whatever we want for ourselves, which doesn’t leave much to give as gifts. But that isn’t all there is to it. Sometimes I’m just wrong when I think Roland will like something. Fortunately, neither of us has gift giving/receiving as our love language.

We went out for a nice dinner for our anniversary, and Roland paid for it. For my part, I put long thought into a gift for him and came up empty. I finally bought him an Amazon gift card that he will probably spend on something he would have bought anyway.

Still, that’s okay. Marriage isn’t about the physical gifts you give each other. It’s about love as demonstrated by willingness to compromise, serving each other, and affirming each other. We have that in abundance.

Which is why it’s 45 years and counting. 

Back to Normal?

 

Roland and I celebrated our 42^nd wedding anniversary on Wednesday. Unlike last year, it felt almost normal.

One of our anniversary traditions is to go out to eat at a nice restaurant, and sometimes we get to celebrate in unique locations. We celebrated our fortieth anniversary at a specialty restaurant on the Viking Sea while cruising the Baltic. And the photo at the head of this blog shows us at a restaurant in Florence, Italy, for our 39^th anniversary. Roland found the restaurant and made the reservation before we left home, but the restaurant was practically empty so the reservation was unnecessary. According to the letter we wrote home, the food was good, although the steak was a little too rare for me. The sauce covered up the uncooked taste, however.

When we’re at home, we like to celebrate with a meal at Café Borgia. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible last year. We did eat their food, but we had to order carry-out and celebrate at home.

This year we went back to Café Borgia and ate in the dining room. It’s only the second time I’ve eaten out in months, and it felt good.

Does that mean things are getting back to normal?

I hope so.

Celebrating at Home

This past Tuesday was Roland’s and my 41^st wedding anniversary. Unless we are traveling, Roland usually takes me out to dinner at Café Borgia and I give him a small but tangible gift. This year we did things a little differently.

Since Café Borgia was still closed to dine-in patrons, Roland and I did the next best thing and ordered take-out meals to eat in the privacy of our home. Roland had ravioli and I had lasagna with cheesecake for dessert. And, of course, lots of their good bread. We used the good dishes and silverware but left the everyday tablecloth on.

My anniversary gift to Roland was also different this year. Instead of getting him something tangible, I ordered the sheet music for “If I Had to Do It All Over Again” by Bobby Springfield. Roland and I listened to Roy Clark singing it on our many trips to Nashville last year, and each time I heard it I thought, “That would be a perfect song for our 50^th wedding anniversary.” But that’s nine years away, and would I even remember about it then?

So I found the sheet music on eBay and sang it to Roland as my anniversary present to him. I can’t give you the full text, or even most of it, without violating copyright laws, but the general message is expressed in the first four measures of the chorus: “If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it with you.”

And I would.

A Forgotten Anniversary

May 12 was my 33rd wedding anniversary. With all the excitement over moving and then going to Missouri for Mothers Day, I forgot all about it.

We took Mom Camp out to dinner that Saturday night. As we sat there waiting for our food, Roland looked at me and said, "Happy Anniversary."

I'm not proud that I forgot it, but I am proud that my marriage is strong enough to survive forgotten anniversaries.

Roland and I have grown closer over the years, but our relationship still feels very much like it did in this poem I wrote to Roland three months before we got married:

For many years I walked along,
Rich in the love of friends and family,
But never feeling love for a lover.

Then I met you, and gradually
I knew that kind of love;
Not as a raging sea that tears at my soul,
But as a quiet, gentle warmth,
And a smile that appears upon my face
When I think of you,
And a comfortable feeling whenever we're together;
And now I know,
I love you.

Happy belated anniversary, Roland.

Searching for Mr. Right

Roland and I celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary on Thursday. Actually, we celebrated apart, because I was at a writers' conference in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. But our marriage survived the ill-timed separation.

A marriage that almost didn't happen. Although I wanted a husband, I wasn't actively seeking. Part of it was that I didn't know how or where to look. But I also trusted that God would make it happen when the time was right even if I did nothing.

A simple sermon eliminated both excuses.

Have you heard the saying, "God helps them that help themselves"? If you think it comes from the Bible, you're wrong. The proverb dates back to only the 15th or 16th century. But even though it isn't in the Bible, there is some Christian truth in it. In 2 Thessalonians 2:8, Paul says: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." And how many of us think God wants us to sit back and wait for a job without even sending out resumes?

Still, I would rephrase the proverb this way: God wants us to be active participants in His plans for us.

That was the message in the sermon, and the minister used finding a mate as an example. He was a counselor for a computer dating service that catered to Christians and Jews, but many people failed to make use of the service because they expected God to handle everything.

That sermon was my wake-up call. I signed up for the computer dating service and met Roland. He was my second match, and I was his second match. But there is nothing second-class about our marriage.

Thirty-two years of wedded bliss (and a few bumps) that almost didn't happen.

So if you are searching for Mr. or Ms. Right, don't just sit back and wait. Be an active participant in God's plans for you.

Even if His plans turn out to be different from yours.