Sacrificing Grammar for Realism

 

One of the advantages of writing in the third person is that you can zoom in to the POV character’s thoughts or zoom out to an objective account. To use a not very good example, here is the same incident from the two ends of the spectrum.

Blasted sand. Hot and gritty. Annoying when wearing shoes, but unbearably painful in bare feet.

On the hottest day of the summer, an elderly man walked along the beach carrying his shoes and scowling.

I tend to write nearer to but not at the closest zoom-in point, reflecting the character’s thoughts without getting right into his head. To use the same incident:

Dave hated the beach, especially on such a hot day where the sand burned his feet. If his shoes didn’t pinch so badly, he'd put them back on.

Here we get insight into Dave’s emotions (he hated the beach), his physical discomfort (the sand burned his feet), and his motivation in going barefoot (his shoes pinched). Yet we aren’t quite in his head since he wouldn’t think of himself as “Dave” or “he.”

In using this point on the zoom spectrum, I try to include the POV character’s prejudices and wrong conclusions. For example, if Dave thinks his wife doesn’t love him, the narrative would say, “Millie didn’t love him,” even though she does. I don’t say, “he thought Millie didn’t love him” or put those thoughts in italics, because that would zoom me out further than I want to go.

On the other hand, I may not follow his thinking completely if the grammar would make me wince. I’m not talking about dialogue here, where the reader expects to hear it the way the character would say it. But what about in narrative that is supposed to match his thoughts?

That’s the dilemma I am facing in my current writing project. My POV character, Matthew, is self-centered. Instead of “Pa, Jackson, and me,” he would think of “me, Pa, and Jackson.” I’ve been doing it the way he would think it, but it makes me wince. Worse, it makes me wonder if the reader will put the story down because he or she thinks I don’t know my grammar. So what am I to do?

Fortunately, I still have time to figure it out.