Reading as Grief Therapy for Children: Fiction to Help Older Children Deal with Death

There are probably a lot of good non-fiction books to help older children deal with death. In my experience, however, fiction tends to have a greater impact at this age, so my list is limited to middle-grade novels.

Parents should read these books first and decide whether their children are mature enough to handle them. Everyone grieves differently, and you may be the best person to judge which books will help with your child’s grieving process. For example, If Only is an excellent book for older girls, but it deals with the death of a mother. If your daughter has lost a friend or a sibling, that can trigger fears that her mother will be next. In that situation, If Only is not the right book for her.

There is another reason why parents should read these books first. Knowing the story will help you answer your child’s questions and can lead to meaningful discussions.

As Mr. Rogers says in a book I’ll discuss in two weeks, “When people read about things in a book, things that they’re going through, it can be comforting to know others are living through times like that, too.” (Dear Mr. Rogers, Does It Ever Rain in Your Neighborhood? Letters to Mr. Rogers, pg. 120.)

Girls often read books with characters from either gender, but boys are usually interested in only those stories that have a male protagonist. My summaries identify books that may work for boys.

I have organized my list by the relationship between the person who dies and the main character, but each one may help with other relationships, as well.

Some of the following descriptions include spoilers.

Death of a Friend

·       Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson—This classic middle-grade novel is of interest to both boys and girls. The first three-quarters of the book develop the friendship between Jess and Leslie. Then Leslie dies and Jess has to come to terms with both his grief and his guilt at not being there when the accident occurred. Caution: Sudden death comes as a shock in real life, and it comes as a shock here as well.

Death of a Sibling

·       Mick Harte Was Here by Barbara Park—The narrator’s brother is already dead when the book opens, but it is his story. Although the narrator is a girl, her style of telling and her dead brother’s presence throughout the pages make this a good read for both boys and girls.

·       Planet Grief, which is described below under “Death of a Parent,” has a secondary character who lost a sibling.

Death of a Parent

·       If Only by Carole Geithner—This contemporary novel covers the first year after thirteen-year-old Corinna’s mother dies of cancer. It is an excellent book for girls whose mothers have died and for those who want to understand a grieving friend. Caution: This book might be too intense for girls who are dealing with the death of a friend or sibling and now fear that their mother may die, too.

·       Planet Grief by Monique Polak—In a contemporary novel for both boys and girls, two young teens attend a grief workshop after each has lost a parent. Caution: One of the secondary characters lives in a family with two mothers and had a sibling who died of SIDS. The book neither endorses nor rejects the lifestyle but shows that people in all types of families grieve when a member dies.

·       Esperanza Rising by Pam Muñoz Ryan—After the unexpected death of Esperanza’s father, her mother moves them from Mexico to California. Esperanza must discover how to handle her mother’s grief as well as her own while adjusting to a new place and a different lifestyle.

·       Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech—In this classic middle-school novel, a girl takes a road trip with her grandparents and learns how to deal with the death of her mother. The book includes themes about mothers who leave home.

Next week I will move on to divorce.

The Alternative

This past week I attended two wakes. Both were for elderly women who had been active in my church until the advancing years turned them into shut-ins.

I had a routine eye exam the week before, and somehow the conversation turned to growing old. My optometrist said, "It's better than the alternative." My reply? "I don't mind the alternative." Then she said, "Oh, don't think that way." That was my cue to explain why I don't mind death, and I let the opportunity pass.

Here's what I should have said.

I do worry about losing my faculties and my independence, so I'm not looking forward to old age. On the other hand, I like my life and there are a lot of things I want to do before I die. I'm not seeking death.

But I'm also not afraid of it. God has promised that death is simply the entrance to heaven for those who believe in his Son, Jesus Christ.

And I'm one of them.

Only God knows what heaven looks like, and that's okay with me. I don't care if the gates are made of pearl and the streets are paved with gold. I don't even care if it's a physical place or only an experiential one. One thing I do know: in heaven we will be in constant communion with God, and nothing is better than that.

We won't all grow old.

But I don't mind the alternative.

Let It Snow

The six inches of snow we had on Friday wasn't the first significant snowfall this winter, and it was no big deal. Not for someone who grew up in Michigan and has spent most of her adult years in NW Indiana.

I love living in a part of the country that has four distinct seasons. And even though winter is not my favorite of the four, I love it, too.

The pristine look of newly fallen snow. The lace and spangles sewn onto trees and bushes by Mother Nature. Even the invigorating exercise when the snow is dry and easy to shovel.

Winter is great when I have gasoline in the snow blower and hats and gloves and boots to go with a nice warm coat. But since I can never be sure when that first significant snowfall will arrive, it pays to be prepared long before I expect it.

Death is like that, too. Roland's father was prepared. Dad and Mom not only got their wills in order, but they planned and pre-paid for their funerals. They even set aside the clothes they wanted to be laid out in. So when Dad died earlier this month, there was little left to do.

Still, wills and funeral arrangements are insignificant compared to the question of where we will spend eternity. Dad was a committed Christian, and he knew his answer to that question. When death came, he was prepared to spend the rest of his life with his Father.

The first snowfall can surprise us with its timing, and so can death. Are you prepared?

D-Day: Death and Deliverance

June 6, 1944. Allied forces landed in Normandy in a surprise invasion (surprise as to location more than timing). Nearly 10,000 Allied servicemen died in the invasion, but it eventually led to the defeat of the Germans and the deliverance of Europe. And no, the D in D-Day doesn't stand for death or defeat or deliverance. It simply means the day chosen to begin the offensive.

June 2, 2011. (Or fill in the date when your Christian loved one died.) D-Day of another kind. Death and deliverance for a good friend after a long battle with cancer.

When Vacation Bible School starts later this month, it will be the first time in thirty years that Alice hasn't been at the helm. She will also leave a void among the participants in the annual church-sponsored mission trip to teach VBS at Native American villages in Alaska. And I have a hard time realizing that Alice won't be sitting next to me when choir starts up again in the fall. We will all miss her terribly.

June 2, 2011 was the day God chose to defeat Alice's cancer. She no longer lives with the pain and fear it brought. More importantly, everyone who knew her knows that she is worshiping God in heaven, more alive than she ever was during her temporary stay on this earth.

To Don, Mary, and Martha: you will miss your wife and mother terribly at times, and I pray that God comforts you in your loss. But Alice's death was also her deliverance.

For Christians, that's the best news of all.