Reading as Grief Therapy for Children: Advice from Mr. Rogers

When I was researching books to help children deal with grief, I came across one with advice from Mr. Rogers. Yes, the Mr. Rogers of television fame and the subject of a recent movie.

Dear Mr. Rogers, Does It Ever Rain in Your Neighborhood? Letters to Mr. Rogers by Fred Rogers is composed of letters to Mr. Rogers from children and parents with his replies. The book is written for parents to help them respond to their children’s questions.

The book’s pervading theme is that parents should encourage children to talk about their feelings. It isn’t good to suppress feelings, and Mr. Rogers has several suggestions for bringing them into the open. Besides talking, drawing pictures and making up stories can be therapeutic even if they are dark or fantasize about unacceptable behaviors. The important thing is to let the child express the feelings that exist right then.

Chapter 7 deals with family relationships and includes several letters about divorce. Here is an excerpt from one of his replies.

One thing that seemed to help the children was knowing the divorce was not their fault. Separating and divorce are about grown-up problems. Sometimes children worry about the bad things they’ve done, and they think their behavior made their parents want to get divorced. But . . . all children do bad things once in a while. And, even in families where there’s no divorce, there can be angry times.

It can also help to know that your parents still love you and that they will take good care of you, even if they don’t live together. [Pgs. 114–115.]

Chapter 8 is dedicated to death, ranging from death of a pet to death of a sibling. Mr. Rogers’ advice is the same in all these situations. Here are two examples.

Most people—adults and children—who have lost a loved one often feel guilty, helpless, and angry. That’s only natural. Even if we have a sense that the person who died is in the loving hands of God, there still can be painful and angry feelings because we miss that person. Letting your child know that his feelings are natural may be one of the most helpful things you can do. [Pgs. 137–138.]

Throughout their lives, children will find themselves dealing with death. It’s not our constant smiling that will help them feel secure. Rather, it’s their knowing that love can hold many feelings, including sadness, and that they can trust that there will always be people who love them and who will care about them through all kinds of times—the painfully sad times as well as the joyful times. [Pg. 145.]

A blog post can’t do Mr. Rogers’ advice justice. Read the book for more.

I highly recommend it.

Reading as Grief Therapy for Children: Fiction to Help Older Children Deal with Divorce

Although death is the ultimate loss, is isn’t the only one that affects children. Today’s blog post will list fiction for older children in which the main characters are dealing with their parents’ divorces.

As with the books on death in the last two posts, I have read each one myself and have left off several that I did not think would be helpful. Unfortunately, none of these works well for boys. But here is my list of recommended books for girls.

·       Big & Little Questions (According to Wren Jo Byrd) by Julie Bowe—A nine-year-old girl tries to keep her parents’ divorce a secret from her friends but discovers that honesty is a better choice.

·       The Twelve Dares of Christa by Marissa Burt—For the first time in her life, Christa must spend Christmas away from her father after her parents separate.

·       One Crazy Summer by Rita Williams-Garcia—In this classic novel taking place in 1968, Delphine’s parents have already been apart for seven years, and she and her younger sisters are used to living with their conventional father and conservative grandmother. When they are sent to spend the summer with their mother, Delphine must learn to live with the unconventional woman she barely remembers and doesn’t respect.

·       Two Naomis by Olugbemisola Rhuday-Perkovich—This is a contemporary story about two unrelated girls with divorced parents. When one Naomi’s father begins dating the other Naomi’s mother, both girls must learn to accept new people into an expanded family.

·       It’s Not the End of the World by Judy Blume—When Karen’s parents announce that they are getting divorced, she tries to find ways to keep them together. This book was published in 1972 and is dated, but it shows how divorce affects everyone in the family, which hasn’t changed.

Next week I’ll talk about a helpful resource for parents.

Reading as Grief Therapy for Children: Fiction to Help Older Children Deal with Death

There are probably a lot of good non-fiction books to help older children deal with death. In my experience, however, fiction tends to have a greater impact at this age, so my list is limited to middle-grade novels.

Parents should read these books first and decide whether their children are mature enough to handle them. Everyone grieves differently, and you may be the best person to judge which books will help with your child’s grieving process. For example, If Only is an excellent book for older girls, but it deals with the death of a mother. If your daughter has lost a friend or a sibling, that can trigger fears that her mother will be next. In that situation, If Only is not the right book for her.

There is another reason why parents should read these books first. Knowing the story will help you answer your child’s questions and can lead to meaningful discussions.

As Mr. Rogers says in a book I’ll discuss in two weeks, “When people read about things in a book, things that they’re going through, it can be comforting to know others are living through times like that, too.” (Dear Mr. Rogers, Does It Ever Rain in Your Neighborhood? Letters to Mr. Rogers, pg. 120.)

Girls often read books with characters from either gender, but boys are usually interested in only those stories that have a male protagonist. My summaries identify books that may work for boys.

I have organized my list by the relationship between the person who dies and the main character, but each one may help with other relationships, as well.

Some of the following descriptions include spoilers.

Death of a Friend

·       Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson—This classic middle-grade novel is of interest to both boys and girls. The first three-quarters of the book develop the friendship between Jess and Leslie. Then Leslie dies and Jess has to come to terms with both his grief and his guilt at not being there when the accident occurred. Caution: Sudden death comes as a shock in real life, and it comes as a shock here as well.

Death of a Sibling

·       Mick Harte Was Here by Barbara Park—The narrator’s brother is already dead when the book opens, but it is his story. Although the narrator is a girl, her style of telling and her dead brother’s presence throughout the pages make this a good read for both boys and girls.

·       Planet Grief, which is described below under “Death of a Parent,” has a secondary character who lost a sibling.

Death of a Parent

·       If Only by Carole Geithner—This contemporary novel covers the first year after thirteen-year-old Corinna’s mother dies of cancer. It is an excellent book for girls whose mothers have died and for those who want to understand a grieving friend. Caution: This book might be too intense for girls who are dealing with the death of a friend or sibling and now fear that their mother may die, too.

·       Planet Grief by Monique Polak—In a contemporary novel for both boys and girls, two young teens attend a grief workshop after each has lost a parent. Caution: One of the secondary characters lives in a family with two mothers and had a sibling who died of SIDS. The book neither endorses nor rejects the lifestyle but shows that people in all types of families grieve when a member dies.

·       Esperanza Rising by Pam Muñoz Ryan—After the unexpected death of Esperanza’s father, her mother moves them from Mexico to California. Esperanza must discover how to handle her mother’s grief as well as her own while adjusting to a new place and a different lifestyle.

·       Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech—In this classic middle-school novel, a girl takes a road trip with her grandparents and learns how to deal with the death of her mother. The book includes themes about mothers who leave home.

Next week I will move on to divorce.

Reading as Grief Therapy for Children: Picture Books

My church recently started a grief support group for adults. But although the group itself is limited to adults, some of them have children who are also grieving. Since I write books for children, I volunteered to put together a list of reading materials for parents to use with their grieving sons and daughters.

I used the Internet to find relevant books, but I’m not about to promote something unless I have read it first. As a result, I spent several weeks reading children’s books about loss, and I was selective.

In the next few posts, I’m going to share my choices with you, starting with picture books designed mostly for children ages 4–8. Some of these deal specifically with death, while others talk about loss and separation in more general terms.

Here is my list of picture books for young children who are grieving.

·       The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland—A girl is afraid she will forget a loved one who has died, so she makes a memory box to keep that person with her always.

·       The Invisible String by Patrice Karst—During a thunderstorm, five-year-old twins run to find their mother because they don’t want to be parted from her. She assures them that love is an invisible string that will always keep them together. Death is just one of the separations mentioned in this book, which has been used by many groups that deal with children’s grief.

·       Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen—A modern parable about grieving, this book is good for all ages.

·       Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley—An elderly badger knows he will die soon and tries to prepare his friends. The best gifts he gives them are the memories.

·       The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr—Using fish as subjects, this book talks about how we feel after we say goodbye forever.

·       ida, always by Caron Levis—Two polar bears in the zoo are together constantly until Ida gets sick and dies. The story tells us that Ida will always be with Gus, even after she is gone.

·       Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs by Tomie dePaola—This story tells about the relationship between the author, his grandmother, and his great-grandmother and how he dealt with his great-grandmother’s death.

·       Where Are You? A Child’s Book About Loss by Laura Oliveieri—A young boy learns that loved ones will always be in our hearts and memories, even when we can't see them anymore.

·       When Someone Dies: Find Comfort in Jesus by Julie Stiegemeyer—With a clearly Christian emphasis, this book uses the experiences of other children to show how we can find comfort in Jesus after someone dies.

·       A Hug from Heaven by Anna Whiston-Donaldson—In another book with a Christian emphasis, the person who died talks to the child left behind about ways to cope with his or her grief.

·       My Heart Hurts: A Grief Workbook for Children by Karen Jaggers—This workbook provides activities for children to do after a loved one dies. It is not suited for one sitting but should be spread out over days or weeks.

·       Sun Kisses, Moon Hugs by Susan Schaefer Bernardo—This book about being connected even when apart is especially good for children whose parents are going through a divorce.

If you have young children grieving a loss, check out these books. Next week I will move to middle-grade fiction about death.